No Way!
by SwirlyDragonfly
Summary: A story about what should never be put in a Naruto fanfic but I went and did it anyways cause I got really bored and fed up with the dub...Chp 4 the real reason why Kisame joined Akatsuki
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto, this fic is not to be taken seriously or fallow the storyline of Naruto unless otherwise noted…**

**No Way!**

**Chapter 1**

It was a bright and sunny day, all was silent and peaceful, that is until Naruto's alarm went off…BEEEEEEEEEEP! BEEEEEEEP!

Naruto slammed his fist into the alarm to silence it, sat up, and turned on the tv…

_Today's top story, private trainer Ebisu was arrested for pedophilia…_

"I always knew he was a no good closet perv…" he scratched his head and got out of bed. His stomach growled, so he headed to the kitchen and opened the refrigerator, "I think I'll have a good ol' bowl of cocoa puffs, what's this? The milk's bad, hmm, better go bug Sasuke for a cup of milk."

Meanwhile Sasuke was having a very emo morning, what else is new.

"Oh amn what a weird dream that was; I dreamt that I got bit by this weird snake thing and some weird guy was riding a frog and umm Hinata had this freaky crush on Naruto, heh like any of that will ever happen…"

Just then a knock came at the door.

"Hey ya Sasuke."

"Oh great, Naruto, what do you want?"

"I need a cup of milk for my cereal."

"Dumbass, ninja's don't eat cereal. Now go away so I can be all dark and depressing." Sasuke slammed the door shut.

"He must be having an off day, I'll go ask Sakura then…"

Naruto went to Sakura's house, found Sakura in bed with Ino, and took off.

"Hmm this sucks, at this rate it'll be too late for cereal by time I get the milk." Just then Naruto bumped into Kakashi. "Oh hi Kakashi-sensei."

"Good morning, why are you so grumpy looking?"

"I don't have any milk for my cereal, Sasuke is in a bad mood, and Sakura's uhhh, I'd rather not go there…"

Just then Guy sensei popped up. "Good morning everyone, isn't today like totally awesome? Hey Kakashi, why don't you and me spend this super day together?"

"Umm I think you forgot to take your medication this morning… listen Naruto, I'm going to try and run away from this weirdo, so I'll see you later bye." Then Kakashi disappeared.

"Toodles" and with that Guy took off.

"Aww man this sucks! Where am I supposed to get milk now?" Naruto looked to the left and noticed that he was standing right next to a convenience store the whole time. So he went in and purchased a bottle of milk.

"Yes I finally got my milk so I can enjoy my cereal." Naruto was very happy, he had only been walking for less then a minute when SPLAT, Chouji fell on him. He laid there, in a pool of his own blood, his only regret being that he never got the chance to enjoy his cereal…

**Ok this was meant to be lame, I just got this idea while I was doing some boring school work. If people actually like this and review it, I could always write another chapter when I have some free time. **

**Swirly**


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2: The Funeral**

Naruto's funeral brought ninja from all over Konoha to pay their last respects…

"Why Naruto, why?!" Eruka sobbed, "Why couldn't you pay me back for all the ramen before you died?!?!?!"

On the other side of the parlor Sakura was chatting with Ino, "You know Ino, I never told Naruto that I'm actually a guy."

"What seriously?!?!"

"What, this can not be, Sakura is a man!" Rock Lee shouted.

"Hey keep it down, this is a place for mourning," Kakashi scolded.

Just then Sasuke walked into the room and made his way over to the casket. "…Naruto…"

"His death must be hard on you, Sasuke," Hinata said.

"Naruto… you know… I've always… HATED YOUR GUTS, OMG I'M SO GLAD YOU'RE FINALLY DEAD, LISTEN UP PARTY AT MY HOUSE!."

"Umm I guess he's not upset," Hinata whispered, "Hey Sasuke, will there be drinking at the party?"

"Yeah"

"I'm so there."

Meanwhile in the village of the sand, Gaara was receiving some therapy…

"Now tell me Gaara, how are you feeling today?"

"…Pissed off."

"Uhh huh, " said the shrink as he scribbled something down, "Now why do you think you're feeling this way?"

"Maybe cause someone tried to assassinate me, again!" Gaara slammed his fist into the wall.

"I'm sensing some hostility."

"No shit Sherlock, what the hell do I pay you for, you're no help."

"Ok now let's try some word association, good."

"Carnage."

"Bad."

"Everything."

"Love."

"Myself."

"Hate"

"The world"

"Cold"

"Temari."

"Hot"

"Kankuro."

The therapist shot a strange look at Gaara, "Kankuro?"

"Well yeah, that outfit he wears is warm."

"Oh, alright we are out of time, see you again next week"

Gaara mumbled some profanities under his breath as he left the office.

**Hey everyone it's Swirly, if there is a specific character you'd like to see doing something wild and crazy at Sasuke's party just leave a review. When I get enough feedback I'll write the next chapter. So about 20 reviews would be nice, and you can review more than once. Until then, see ya!**


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter Three- An encounter with Akatsuki

Several months after Naruto's death, Sasuke was bored and decided he should go try to kill his older brother Itachi. Only Sasuke will never kill Itachi because Itachi POWNS and will never be defeated by an emo kid like SasUKE. Because he is Itachi and besides that if he died then fangirls would be very angry at the creator. Itachi is smexy and will not die by the hands of Sasuke—

"Will you get on with it already?" Said a rather annoyed Sasuke, who was currently outside of the room where he heard Itachi was saying. And no I will not get it on for you because you are Uchiha SasUKE, the not smexy one. And you will be killed in the future because you are unloved and emo. Now I'm going to continue this story because I'm sure my ranting is what the readers want to hear.

Sasuke stood outside the door; this was it, his plan was perfect. He'd bust down the door and slit Itachi's throat before he had time to react. He crouched down and placed an ear to the door, what he heard next would give him nightmares for the rest of his days…

"ARGGG Itachi that hurts, why can't you be more ya know, gentle?" Deidara growled.

"Hold still and it won't hurt as much." Kisame chimed in.

"If you didn't move it wouldn't take so long and it probably wouldn't hurt as much." Itachi added.

"But you're so rough, I think it's bleeding." (Deidara)

"Well then that's your own fault for squirming around." (Kisame)

"Why can't we use the gel?" (Deidara)

"Because we don't have any, besides it's just fast to get it over with." (Kisame)

"Now bend over so we can finish." (Itachi)

Sasuke couldn't believe what he was hearing, and imagining. I bet you readers are confused as well, considering that the authoress doesn't support yaoi unless it's supposed to be there. Dirty little Sasuke, jumping to the conclusion that his brother was using Dieidara like that….

"ARGGG" (Deidara)

"There it's done, hmm." Itachi looked towards the door and gave Kisame a signal to check it out.

Before Sasuke had a chance to move he was face to face with Mr. Fish face. Sasuke was so surprised that he completely dropped his guard, giving Kisame the chance to grab the bitch by the hair and drag him into the room.

Itachi, sexy as ever, stared coldly into the eyes of his younger brother "Hello Otoutou, how long have you been outside the door?"

"Nii-san... what's going on here?"

Deidara stood up, "I guess we did make a bit of noise. Itachi was helping me with a little problem."

"What sort of problem?"

Deidara removed his cloak and shirt, revealing a small red mark on his back, "Pimple problem…"

"Oh…" Sasuke stared at the ground, embarrassed by the thoughts he had earlier.

Itachi walked over to the young shinobi, "…Rather then kill you now, I think we'll leave you alone… for today. I suggest you run and hide otoutou. (insert sexy bishie short with hair blowing in the wind) Now, let's go."

In the flash of a smoke bomb, the three members of Akatsuki disappeared. Leaving Sasuke alone, and ashamed. Leaving him to live for just a little longer…

Well there you have it, a third chapter. This is a lot like my Fullmetal series "What really happened." So I'm going to ask for some reader help. If there's a character you'd like me to kill off, severely injure, or otherwise butcher and/or humiliate; I'm open to suggestions (believe it). Or if there's anything crazy you'd like to see happen, let me know and I'll try my best to make it work. Swirly

By the way I'm on Deviantart now so look for Swirlydragonfly!


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4- OMG THIS IS GONNA GET ME KILLED…

Kisame stood in line, patiently waiting. He was so excited, and yet so nervous you could see the perspiration on his brow. He looked down at this badge, number 5; this was his first time, so he wasn't too sure if he'd be good or not but he was going to give it his all.

A woman's voice came on the intercom, "Number 5, report to set 1, that's number 5, set 1."

At last it was his turn to give it his all. He stepped out on the set, the lights were intense, he felt all eyes on him. He took a deep breath and stepped up to the mic…

"Please state your name and why you think we should cast you," said a voice on the loud speaker.

"Kisame, and it is my dream to star in a film such as this. The action, the drama, and of course the music. Yes the music, I want to be a part of it."

"Alright, then, let's here the audition piece."

The music started up, an upbeat number with an island feel to it…

"_The seaweed is always greener in somebody else's lake, _

_You dream about goin up there but dat is a big mistake,_

_Just look at the world around you,_

_Right here on the ocean floor,_

_Such wonderful things surround you,_

_What more is you lookin' for._

_Under the sea, under the sea,_

_Darlin' it's better down where it's wetter take it from me!" _

"Cut cut, stop the music. Kisame, that was brilliant. I think we may have the perfect side-kick for our heroine, let me come down and meet you face to face." The voice on the loudspeaker said.

Kisame was ecstatic, his amazingly good voice just landed him a part in the newest and greatest Disney movie ever made. A door opened and out walked the director.

"Hello there, were you the one who was just singing."

"Yes sir."

"I think you may be the talent we've been looking for," the director removed his glasses, got a better look at Kiasme, and then looked utterly disgusted, "ON second thought, no you're not."

"Huh?"

"I'm sorry but I'm not snobby enough to be honest with you, SIMON!" then a man who we all know now as a judge of American idol stepped on set. "This is Simon, maybe he can explain it to you."

"Hello Kisame, now just to clarify that is your actual face?"

Kisame nodded.

"Right then, well for starters your singing is mediocre at best. The director was only impressed because he has no taste. Secondly, The Little Mermaid is a children's movie. We don't want them to be sent to tears by your frightening face now do we? Thanks for coming, but please, do us all a favor; stay out of showbiz. I'm sorry but you've got to be the most hideous thing I've ever seen."

Kisame was not only speechless but moved to tears by Simon's harsh words. He left the auditions and later found out that the role was given to some crab and a scene was added in to show how stupid sharks were (Kisame of course being the model for the shark) And that my friends is why Kisame joined Akatsuki.


End file.
